Finding Mr. Right

Steve Harvey rebroadcast a story about three sister in their 50s looking for Mr. Right. I heard them say they made wrong mistakes…as opposed to right mistakes. Most mistakes start out wrong, but when lessons are learned and are never repeated, they can be valuable. These sisters claimed they wanted certain traits in their men. Most of the descriptive attributes lacked depth. Although some could legitimately be plausible, I think the definitions are grossly misrepresented. As I listened to what they desired I found synonyms that matched their objectives, which may explain why they’ve made so many wrong mistakes and why most of their dates came across as jerks. For instance, they asked for charismatic (a.k.a., sociopath), debonair (ornate), in charge (self-centered, bullies), classy (arrogant) and confident (overbearing) guys. When writing, “How to Depolarize Your Jerk Magnet” I found many women erroneously using these terms to describe what they wanted, but usually got the traits I noted instead. This blog shares how to reframe these desired character traits so that healthier relationships are possible. Being attracted to bad boys is not going to work out well and using character flaws as your foundation guarantees the relationship will crumble.  Below we will look at the propaganda society uses to paint the personality canvas, but you’ll have to decide what brush strokes you use.

Charismatic = compelling or captivating, which implies a magnetic draw toward something powerful. It’s a force greater than you to be reckoned with. It envelops you. Anything that zaps your power source and drains you is problematic. You lose your oomph. With a little cognitive reframing, charismatic can mean fascinating or alluring which allows you to maintain self without sacrifice. It’s when the two élans (his & yours) combine and generate greater energy. The power is complimentary—your energy matters and contributes to the spark. Decide whether you’ll be his captive audience (trapped with a sociopath) or hold the key to self-reliance?

Debonair = well groomed or polished, which shines with brilliance on the outside but often tarnishes over time. Glitter doesn’t always mean gold and when it dulls the lust in luster is lost. Taking a closer look at the ordinary could help you find extraordinary as healthy people gleam from the inside out. The false images are smoke and mirrors and it’s a guarantee he’ll blow smoke up your skirt. If you’re just looking for eye candy (ornate) know that debonair is like gum…it loses its flavor! There is nothing wrong with wanting someone courteous and cultured so long as he’s genuine. We can all learn a lot from acculturating but make sure he’s not plastic and disingenuous.

In charge = egotistical, apathetic where he’s unwilling to share and play well with others. In charge means there’s one leader and the rest are his flunky followers. Oh sure, if you don’t want to take responsibility for your life, in charge is the answer. But then who are you and what do you have to offer? Your opinions, your voice and your thoughts will be squashed like an irritating bug. By buying into this crooked thinking you are erased—wiped off the planet—eradicated. Then when this in-charge guy (self-centered bully) bails on you for being a nobody in his perfect eyes, he’ll rip a huge hole in your heart. He won’t look back or regret his choice, as he knows there are more flunkies than he can boss around. If you’re looking for someone to carry some of your load that is teamwork—a partnership. The support you gain can turn things around without actually turning your life over.

Classy = fashionable and exclusive which can be temporary and fade with the season. Dating classy (arrogant) guys can eliminate potential partners who have potential. Make sure you understand the definition of classy as some feign class by putting on airs and being pretentious. Classy in its true sense means tasteful and refined, a refreshing and redeeming quality so long as it’s authentic. Do you want to be with someone who thinks he’s better than other or compares himself to them? If he measures his worth by what he has rather than who he is that’s not class... it’s uncertainty. Fortunes come and go but truly classy people inherently possess grace and acceptance toward others.

Confident = self-possessed which can mean that he might be a know-it-all. Sometimes people see hard chargers as confident (overbearing) because they are fearless. They are unafraid of anything including running you over if you stand in their way. It is important to define what confidence really means to you as even bullies appear confident…but they aren’t. They just act tough to demonstrate prowess. A confident person brags on the inside not on the outside. So if your man boasts he’s not confident, he’s insecure. If he has to shout from the mountaintop his accomplishments his worth is based on keeping score, which means there has always got to be a loser.

Finally, what these women on Steve’s show admitted was that they had strong personalities (confrontational & adversarial) and that they needed men who can handle them (confrontational & adversarial). Talk about wrong mistakes! Wittingly wanting someone who can banter with them makes this a disaster waiting to happen. Reframing this cognitive distortion perhaps would mean they really wanted someone who can appreciate, respect and regard that they have something to say and offer to the world. If strong personalities are represented as adversarial then that’s what you get! You can’t fight with reality.

In closing, I want to say how much I admired these women for their candor and for representing all the other jerk magnets in the world who are looking for love in all the wrong places. Sadly, their responses are typical and, all too often accepted, by women. Their misguided interpretations of Mr. Right closely align with how other women explain their relationship dilemmas and why so many terrific, talented and beautiful women get stuck with Mr. Never Right, Mr. Please Make Him Right or Mr. Right Now. This information is equally important for men who find themselves engaging with women who are hurtful and cruel.