Couples often complain that relationships are a struggle.
They interchangeably use words like hard or not easy to explain how difficult
love can be. I take issue with these descriptive concepts being presented as
one and the same as the subjectivity is counterproductive to having healthy
interactions. When couples claim relationship aren’t easy by default that means
love must be hard. Hard is an absolute extreme that generates pessimism and
becomes a roadblock to intimacy. Reframing these two implications however can
make relationships better as the differences between not easy and hard are distinct.
Going to college for four years, for instance, isn’t easy but it doesn’t mean
it’s hard if you have a dream. Writing a novel isn’t necessarily easy but it
isn’t hard either if you love writing. Fully decorating a house isn’t always easy
but again, it isn’t really hard when you want your house to feel like a home.
Anything worth anything takes time, commitment and attitude. The difference
between not easy and hard is that not easy seems doable and has a positive objective.
Not easy takes a concerted effort BUT feels good around most turns—and is
solution based. Hard, on the other hand, is usually not fun, creates doubt—and
is problem oriented. Hard is spending more time fighting to be heard and
regarded whereas not easy infers cooperation and consideration. It’s the
difference between compromising oneself and compromise. The former is hard because
you lose yourself but the latter although not so easy implies negotiation and
teamwork, which is certainly worth the effort. Do you use the word hard to
describe your relationship with your best friend or is the interaction with him
or her simply not easy?
Carefully evaluate how you feel when you say your intimate relationships
aren’t easy to ensure you’re not leaping to the erroneous conclusion that they’re
hard because your thoughts become your feelings and your feelings become your
actions and your actions dictate your outcomes. If your relationship isn’t easy
find ways to improve it but if it’s hard you might want to cut your losses and consider
someone who isn’t hard. You decide.
Tomorrow we will discuss the difference between good versus
bad marriages.