Hot Felon

A topic of discussion on Dr. Drew recently was “Hot Felon” where the panel was debating about the physical appearance of a man who had been arrested. I have recently launched a new book entitled, How to Depolarize Your Jerk Magnet, and this is the very thing I educate women on regarding men in orange jumpsuits. These bad boys light up the brain and create excitement, but it isn’t attraction women feel rather it's danger and intensity. Many women may say it’s okay to think a violent man is attractive physically, but in reality it's the emotional brain that's attracted to the thrill. My book highlights the rationale these jerk magnets use to justify loving them. If jerk magnets need the sensation of extreme ups and downs they might consider a roller coaster ride instead. This way when these women get tired of the ride they can get off. The price of admission is cheaper too. Any comments and insights are welcome!

Relationships: Not Easy or Hard?

Couples often complain that relationships are a struggle. They interchangeably use words like hard or not easy to explain how difficult love can be. I take issue with these descriptive concepts being presented as one and the same as the subjectivity is counterproductive to having healthy interactions. When couples claim relationship aren’t easy by default that means love must be hard. Hard is an absolute extreme that generates pessimism and becomes a roadblock to intimacy. Reframing these two implications however can make relationships better as the differences between not easy and hard are distinct. Going to college for four years, for instance, isn’t easy but it doesn’t mean it’s hard if you have a dream. Writing a novel isn’t necessarily easy but it isn’t hard either if you love writing. Fully decorating a house isn’t always easy but again, it isn’t really hard when you want your house to feel like a home. Anything worth anything takes time, commitment and attitude. The difference between not easy and hard is that not easy seems doable and has a positive objective. Not easy takes a concerted effort BUT feels good around most turns—and is solution based. Hard, on the other hand, is usually not fun, creates doubt—and is problem oriented. Hard is spending more time fighting to be heard and regarded whereas not easy infers cooperation and consideration. It’s the difference between compromising oneself and compromise. The former is hard because you lose yourself but the latter although not so easy implies negotiation and teamwork, which is certainly worth the effort. Do you use the word hard to describe your relationship with your best friend or is the interaction with him or her simply not easy?

Carefully evaluate how you feel when you say your intimate relationships aren’t easy to ensure you’re not leaping to the erroneous conclusion that they’re hard because your thoughts become your feelings and your feelings become your actions and your actions dictate your outcomes. If your relationship isn’t easy find ways to improve it but if it’s hard you might want to cut your losses and consider someone who isn’t hard. You decide.

Tomorrow we will discuss the difference between good versus bad marriages.

Who to Choose: My Son or My Boyfriend?

Dear Christina:

I am having a conflict with my boyfriend because he doesn’t like my 14-year old son. My boyfriend constantly criticizes him and insults me for babying him. He has even made snide comments and recommended I send my son to live with his father.  He doesn’t see his kids and doesn’t understand what it’s like to go through the ups and downs of parenting. My son’s dad isn’t a very healthy person as he drinks to extremes and can be very mean. Who in their right mind would subject a kid to that type of hostility on purpose? Is my boyfriend a jerk for demanding me to give up my son? Or am I the jerk?

Tammy

Dear Tammy:

Some people do not take their responsibility for parenting very seriously and seem to be able to effortlessly walk away from their kids. This is a huge sign: if this guy can run away from his own flesh and blood, he can (and will) leave you in a New York minute. Don’t be fooled, jerks normally just want to get their needs met and rarely give a hoot how others feel. But your concern regards your son and you only get one shot at parenting your child. That’s it! This is not a rehearsal! I’m sure looking back it’s hard to even fathom that 14 years of your son’s life has already happened. If you abandon him now by sending him to his alcohol-abusing father, you’ll create long lasting—maybe even permanent—issues for him. Nobody promised parenting would be easy and this guy you’re dating knew you had a son before he became your boyfriend, but now he’s changing the rules in the middle of the game. Also, it’s a HUGE sign he doesn’t take care of his kids. He probably uses his ex as an excuse as it makes shirking his responsibility a no brainer. But it's not legit: if he wanted a new car or to go on a vacation, he would figure out how to make that happen, so if he wanted to see his kids he could—that’s why they have family court! Anytime someone makes you pick between your child and him there is something fundamentally wrong with the logic. Who does that? I’ll tell you…a jerk, that’s who. Now to be fair, you could ask yourself some tough questions to see if you're contributing negatively and whether you can do anything differently: Are you enabling your son to be unmotivated, disrespectful or selfish? Have you done a good job of teaching passion, self-reliance, compassion and empathy? Have you mothered him into immaturity? Your focus needs to be on raising your son and finish the job you started...he didn’t ask for his life—that was your call. The decisions have all been made for him without his input. He didn’t ask to be born or to have either of the men you selected for him to be a part of his life. Weighing out how this boyfriend contributes positively to your life will be your measuring stick. Is he a true asset or just an @$$?

If you would like to share your story simply reply to this blog or email me privately at info@chanceinc.org. All submissions will be kept anonymous.