Marriages: Know the Difference Between Good and Not Bad

Yesterday we discussed the differences between not easy and hard as they pertain to relationships and how perceptions alter our cognitive processing—ultimately contributing to how we relate to loved ones. Another similar distortion used with regularity is when we rationalize that our relationship isn’t bad—which by default—makes us automatically see what we have as good. But is that really true? Not bad and good are two mutually exclusive thoughts. If you’re asked how the steak was and you reply, “not bad,” do you get that wow sensation and refer to the flavor as good? Or does not bad mean mediocre or not great? Not bad means not awful and interchanging the not bad with good means you have settled for less. Don’t gage your relationship on the extreme absolutes but rather take the middle ground and see the relationship for what you truly feel. For example, when someone answers the how-are-you-doing salutation with, not bad are they genuinely convinced that they’re good? Not really, not bad means just what it implies: not bad, not good…just okay. Conversely, stating you’re in a good marriage because you’ve experienced a bad marriage is just as inaccurate. When new budding romances are devoid of certain previous characteristics, which were bad experiences, the knee-jerk reaction might be to compare them to old unhealthy relationships and see the new person as good for you. But the truth is, each relationship is an island that stands alone and must merit its own worth based on how it feels in and of itself. There are couples trapped in marriages that aren’t bad enough to leave yet not good enough to stay. They are in suspended animation. These are the marriages where people stay together and role model to their children what love is supposed to look like but then flee once the kids are on their own. New research finds that divorce isn’t what screws up kids…it’s unhealthy marriages that do. If you find yourself in this predicament determine if what you have with your partner is remotely close to what you want for your children to have in their marriages. The clock is ticking with each moment you spend time convincing yourself the relationship is good based on it not being bad.  More importantly, you demonstrate to your kids what love is supposed to feel like. Do you want your kids to have the same relationship that you have? Although each individual contributes to how the relationship looks there are times when nothing can be done to make the relationship right because the other party is unwilling. Decide if staying is worth it because sooner or later the choice between having a relationship, which is not bad will just not be good.

Who to Choose: My Son or My Boyfriend?

Dear Christina:

I am having a conflict with my boyfriend because he doesn’t like my 14-year old son. My boyfriend constantly criticizes him and insults me for babying him. He has even made snide comments and recommended I send my son to live with his father.  He doesn’t see his kids and doesn’t understand what it’s like to go through the ups and downs of parenting. My son’s dad isn’t a very healthy person as he drinks to extremes and can be very mean. Who in their right mind would subject a kid to that type of hostility on purpose? Is my boyfriend a jerk for demanding me to give up my son? Or am I the jerk?

Tammy

Dear Tammy:

Some people do not take their responsibility for parenting very seriously and seem to be able to effortlessly walk away from their kids. This is a huge sign: if this guy can run away from his own flesh and blood, he can (and will) leave you in a New York minute. Don’t be fooled, jerks normally just want to get their needs met and rarely give a hoot how others feel. But your concern regards your son and you only get one shot at parenting your child. That’s it! This is not a rehearsal! I’m sure looking back it’s hard to even fathom that 14 years of your son’s life has already happened. If you abandon him now by sending him to his alcohol-abusing father, you’ll create long lasting—maybe even permanent—issues for him. Nobody promised parenting would be easy and this guy you’re dating knew you had a son before he became your boyfriend, but now he’s changing the rules in the middle of the game. Also, it’s a HUGE sign he doesn’t take care of his kids. He probably uses his ex as an excuse as it makes shirking his responsibility a no brainer. But it's not legit: if he wanted a new car or to go on a vacation, he would figure out how to make that happen, so if he wanted to see his kids he could—that’s why they have family court! Anytime someone makes you pick between your child and him there is something fundamentally wrong with the logic. Who does that? I’ll tell you…a jerk, that’s who. Now to be fair, you could ask yourself some tough questions to see if you're contributing negatively and whether you can do anything differently: Are you enabling your son to be unmotivated, disrespectful or selfish? Have you done a good job of teaching passion, self-reliance, compassion and empathy? Have you mothered him into immaturity? Your focus needs to be on raising your son and finish the job you started...he didn’t ask for his life—that was your call. The decisions have all been made for him without his input. He didn’t ask to be born or to have either of the men you selected for him to be a part of his life. Weighing out how this boyfriend contributes positively to your life will be your measuring stick. Is he a true asset or just an @$$?

If you would like to share your story simply reply to this blog or email me privately at info@chanceinc.org. All submissions will be kept anonymous.